On Becoming

From early on the signs were there, and then some.


What makes us ignore those glaring signs?

Why do we feel the need to stay when we are not getting what we need? Why?

Why are we so bad at reading the signs which sometimes are just quite obvious? Why?

We know deep down the feeling that something isn’t right but yet we chose to push through, we continue to ‘get on with it’.

when does it become too much?

I wasn’t planning on reading her book, to be honest I don’t follow her at all. The only times I would have been aware of her, was when there’s noise in the media about her. So when my friend sent me a copy I decided to just peep in still with no intention to read but the minute I opened it, to the first line, I progressed to the first page, and on and on I went until I finished the book in about 3/4 hours!  I simply couldn’t put it down. I won’t critic her writing technique as I had no problem with it, it didn’t hinder my read but I know different folks different strokes.

As I progressed through the book I caught a glimpse of a child that went through the most horrific unimaginable thing at such a young impressionable age, transition into a girl that struggled to find her footing in a world that would appear to have betrayed her so early on and then a woman that thought It was all okay until of course it was too late. Throughout the course of my reading she roused such strong emotions in me, sadness for everything she went through at such an early age, amusement at her trying to deal with teenage years, helplessness because it is so very easy to fall into similar destructive relationship but so much anger at her for ‘allowing’ the things that happened through her relationship to happen. And yes I used the word ‘allowing’, because she did allow it and the great thing is she acknowledge this herself, she accepts the part she played in this. Ultimately I felt pity for everything she went through and endured but just as equally I felt strength! That she pulled through and let go eventually.

As I was introduced to the man in question, I hated him, not just as a woman but I hated him as a human being. I questioned why he kept coming back, why? He obviously doesn’t want to be with her he said it so many times, but every time she tried to let it go and find her peace he came back again to drag her down the rabbit hole and down the hole she went several times. It raised so many questions, why did she keep taking him back, she tried to explain in the book, she loved him hopelessly and that was all the reason she needed. That explanation might not work for all but it worked for her, and that to me just doesn’t make sense. He did some serious damage, and maybe it’s disillusion or maybe it’s pressure of what the society might think that made her put on a brave face. While it is easy to say she should have walked away, she shouldn’t have allowed it, she should have done this or done that, you can’t discount that she already had demons chasing her before she even got into a relationship that defined a significant portion of her life.

What amazes me however is that she doesn’t let you finish the book hating this man, somehow she warms him up to the audience, she sheds some of the blame away from him, she humanizes him and she makes him a little bit more tolerable.

I however still hate what he stands for.

Question, why is it do hard for women to come out and tell someone my house is on fire? Rather than hide and choke from the smoke like it’s okay? When did we all become so sensitized? We can’t take a (little the person you look up to is actually ding ding ding ‘human’) and no she’s not perfect and she’s having problems of her own. Begs the question were we a part of the problem? By we, I mean the society, social media, we the nosy, judges of the world, did we enforce this rule that ‘women have to put up with it just because? Have we made it so difficult for women to come out and say I am suffering and can longer do this anymore, I’m cashing out. Were we part of why it was so hard for her to walk away?

We need to check ourselves.

When I finished the book I honestly wanted to shake her and say damn girl what took you so long, but also hold her and give her a big hug and say good on you girl for finally having the courage to let it go. Yes some of the words and expression she uses are raw and unfiltered, as It should be, it’s a real life telling not a fictional telling, it shouldn’t be polished.

Because she wrote her story doesn’t mean she’s the only woman going through it or will be the last woman to go through it but who knows it might make a difference. She has a story to tell and so she told it, make what you will of it but I commend her for that. Is it too much information to disclose? No. I personally don’t think so, she bared as much as she wanted to share and she shouldn’t be penalized for that. She might not always be graceful or be perfect but truly who is? She might not always have the correct ‘advice’ but who does? She might not always say the right things, but do you?

Yes I believe love can be addictive, you can become fixated with ‘the perfect ending’ and with ‘the perfect person’ and simply turn a blind eye to everything else, it can be toxic and just as refreshing as it is rewarding but it can also be vindictive if you go into it for all the wrong reasons. so in this era of social media before you use someone else’s relationship as ‘goals’ or point of contact you might want to beware of unseen.

I could go on and on about the book, but honestly if you are interested in her then go pick up the book. If you are not interested in her pick it up anyways and just revel in one woman’s quite interesting story. I can’t say I relate to every part of her story, but parts of it does resonate with me, the reasoning for our actions, our views on love, our choice of partners, our strength and faith in God, our believes in ourselves, female bodily issues, and the ultimate acceptance of ourselves.

And finally to all the women hurting and seeing themselves in this story, to all the women who are ‘her’, It’s never easy and no one can belittle your story or deduce what you feel. Hang on, there’s always a way.

Love D

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